“We love each other. We just don’t seem to make each other happy anymore.”
Couples say this to me more often than you might think. Usually, both people are trying. They are working hard, keeping the house running, raising kids, and doing what they think a good spouse does. And yet each one feels unseen. I want to share some hope about why that happens, and what God’s design for marriage has to say about it.
God’s Design: Love That Gives
From the very beginning, marriage was God’s idea. “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Becoming one does not mean losing yourself. It means building a life where each person’s well-being matters to the other as much as their own.
Scripture describes that kind of love as sacrificial. Husbands are told to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25), and that passage begins with a call for both spouses to be “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Paul puts it simply in Philippians 2:3-4: “in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Sacrificial love is not a grand gesture once a year. It is a thousand small choices to turn toward each other.
The Fruit of the Spirit, on Display at Home
Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruit of the Spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” I like to ask couples what that list would look like on an ordinary Tuesday night at home. Here are a few pictures:
- Patience: letting your spouse finish their sentence, even when you think you know where it’s going.
- Kindness: a cup of coffee brought without being asked.
- Gentleness: a softer tone when you’re tired and the conversation is hard.
- Faithfulness: keeping your word in the small things, so trust is there for the big things.
- Self-control: taking a breath, or a break, before saying the thing you’ll regret.
- Joy and peace: making room to laugh together and rest together, not just manage life together.
None of us does this perfectly. The fruit grows over time, as we stay connected to God and keep choosing each other.
What Dr. Willard Harley Teaches About Emotional Needs
Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, wrote the bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs. One of his most helpful ideas is what he calls the “Love Bank.” He describes it this way: each of us keeps an inner account for the people in our lives. When someone is connected with good feelings, “love units” are deposited, and when they are connected with hurt, love units are withdrawn. When a spouse’s balance stays high, the feeling of love grows. When it drops, love can feel like it has faded.
Dr. Harley found that the biggest deposits come from meeting each other’s most important emotional needs. After interviewing many couples, he identified ten that came up again and again: affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family commitment, and admiration.
Here is the part that explains so much frustration: Dr. Harley noticed that husbands and wives often rank these needs very differently. So we tend to give our spouse what we would want, and then feel puzzled when it doesn’t land. He is also careful to say that every person is unique. Your spouse’s top needs may not match the “average” at all, which is why he encourages couples to ask each other directly. His Emotional Needs Questionnaire, at the back of the book and on his Marriage Builders website, is one way to start that conversation.
Where Sacrifice and Needs Meet
I find that Dr. Harley’s ideas and Scripture fit together beautifully. Sacrificial love asks, “What does my spouse need from me?” rather than, “What do I feel like giving?” Learning your spouse’s needs is one of the most practical ways to “look to the interests of others.”
A few simple places to start this week:
- Ask your spouse, “What is one thing I could do this week that would mean a lot to you?” Then listen without defending.
- Set aside time with your undivided attention, without phones or TV. Dr. Harley recommends scheduling this time each week, because it rarely happens in the leftovers.
- Notice one thing your spouse does well, and tell them.
- Pray for your spouse by name, and for the fruit of the Spirit to grow in you.
A Gentle Word About Healthy Sacrifice
Biblical sacrifice is meant to be mutual. It is never a call for one person to disappear, or to stay silent about mistreatment. If you are in a relationship where you feel afraid, controlled, or unsafe, please know that is not God’s design, and please reach out to a licensed professional or someone you trust for help.
Taking the Next Step
This article is for general education and encouragement. It is not a substitute for individual counseling. Every marriage has its own story, and if something here stirred something in you, I gently encourage you to reach out to a licensed professional who can walk alongside you.
If you would like to work with me, on your own or as a couple, please start with the New Patient Assessment: https://forms.office.com/r/ztp1bzQ4s9. Once it is received, we will reach out to schedule your first visit. I see clients in my Midland office and by video for clients in Texas.
With hope,
Bobbi
Sources
- Harley, Willard F., Jr. His Needs, Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last. Revised and updated edition. Revell, 2022. https://bakerpublishinggroup.com/products/9780800740993_his-needs-her-needs
- Marriage Builders, “The Love Bank”: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-love-bank.htm
- Marriage Builders, “The Most Important Emotional Needs”: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-most-important-emotional-needs.htm
- The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV): Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:21-25, Philippians 2:3-4, Galatians 5:22-23. https://www.esv.org/
Ready to take the next step?
If this article speaks to where you are, I would love to help. Start with the New Patient Assessment and we will schedule your first visit.
